Why I Hate “Dear Future Husband” — And Why You Should, Too

The song “Dear Future Husband” is full of double standards, sexism, and blame-shifting.

For example, here’s the second verse:

Take me on a date
I deserve a break

Who said you deserve a break? What did you do to deserve a break? And, when your husband deserves a break, do you take him on a date? She never says she’ll reciprocate; those are simply the beginning of her demands in this relationship.

And don’t forget the flowers every anniversary

God forbid her husband forgets the date of their anniversary! She expects him to remember it without any prompting (and, as a woman, I’ll probably forget my future anniversary, too), and she never says anything about giving him something.

’Cause if you’ll treat me right

As in, by abiding to her former ultimatums, which are unreasonable to begin with…

I’ll be the perfect wife

No one is perfect, and saying you’ll be the “perfect wife” sets your partner up for disappointment.

Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need

Who said the wife should always buy groceries? By all means, if you need something, get off your ass and go buy it yourself.

Sighhhh…

Let’s move on to the fourth verse.

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady

What does that mean? Being deferent? Giving her everything she wants? Holding doors over for her? Will she ever hold doors open for you, or are her poor arms too tired to bother being polite? The dainty little lady needs to be taken care of by the big, strong man. Ogg strong. Ogg hold door. RAWR.

Even when I’m acting crazy

Oh, I see how this is going to work. You’re not allowed to call her out on her craziness; you’re supposed to pretend like everything is perfect all the time, because God forbid you don’t treat her like a lady.

Tell me everything’s alright

Even when it isn’t? “Hey, sweetie, I just got hit by a car and they’re putting me into an induced coma. I probably won’t wake up. But hey, everything’s alright! And, if I ever wake up, as soon as I rebuild the muscles in my arms which will have most likely atrophied, I’ll go right back to opening doors for you!”